Nothing has ever stopped me before. I remember playing in a symphony concert two days after being in the emergency room for a kidney stone. I was in a car accident and a week later was a speaker at a conference in California. I have always liked to think of myself as a force to be reckoned with and that nothing could every stop me.
When I saw the surgeon last Tuesday and he wanted to operate on Wednesday my heart was relieved. I had been living with this leg and back pain for years. Gratitude poured out of me that we could get help so fast. I have never broken a bone or needed surgery, before so the consequences of surgery was something I was niave about. No longer.
Today is my sixth day lying on my living room floor. I am better. The surgery was a success. No longer is my right leg in throbbing pain and agony. I can walk, lie, and sit without dreading the pain that would ensue. For this, I am very grateful.
Instead, I am suffering a different kind of pain albeit temporary. I hobble around our 700 square foot apartment like a caged lion, shamefully roaring at my husband every chance I get. Netflix plays like a social pacifier numbing the feeling of being alone and the homesick ache that has been there for days.
It came to head last night as I lay sobbing in my husbands arms. I deeply miss my family. What I would give to have twenty minutes of my little nephews keeping me company. To have their chubby hands and legs playing on the floor with me, my mom bringing me food that I like, my brothers annoying me in the endearing way, my sister telling me the truth of how bad I look and my dad being the slow and steady hand in my life. I miss my friends that I have known for 15+ years stopping buy and checking on me. I miss easy conversations with people that already KNOW ME.
What I've discovered over the last few days is that I have trouble being alone. I can blame it on so many things. Being an extrovert, being the third born or the fact that I have a "people personality". The problem is that the moment I'm alone, I am lonely. I feel rejected, unwanted and unloved. Being alone is scary. There are no people to validate my life, personality or soul. This week of having to be alone and healing from surgery has shown this massive character flaw. There is power in being able to be alone yet, not lonely. My generation is bad at being alone. We have these devices in our pockets that automatically connect us to the world. I can validate what I am doing through my instagram, twitter or Facebook. I don't have to stand in line with people and actually talk or even look at them. I can be in a different country and never make a new friend because I have complete access to my friends back at home. Even then, when I do meet some one new my first response is not to invite them to dinner or out for coffee but rather to "friend them," follow them or tweet at them.
As I have been laying on my back this week looking at the ceiling with lonely tears often staining my cheeks, I find a new part of my soul being forged. The part that is ok being alone and not lonely. Reading a book instead of checking fb statuses. Soaking in the sights and smells around me without needing to take a picture. Meeting someone without having to tweet at them later. There is a deep contentment that comes from simply being without having to be validated by social media. In being present with people rather then being distracted by followers.
There's a balance to be won in which a person is ok being alone and cut off because they are not lonely as the rest in who they are and how God has created them. The other part of that balance is living a life that is able to be on social media and not having to hide who you really are.
I'm fighting that balance.
