Identity

Practically-ghetto signs were posted everywhere, made from Microsoft Word clip art. They silently screamed judgment and fear: "NO CELL PHONES," "NO CHEATING," "NO BOOKS," "NO DEBIT/CREDIT CARDS," "NO TALKING." I stood in a racially and economically diverse line to take the written driving test. The air was full of tension and despair. I hate the DMV. It feels like the DMV's goal is to make your life hell and charge you money for it.

I was excited to move to Minneapolis. I have traveled all over the world (sixteen countries so far) and have loved seeing new places and meeting new people. There's something refreshing about visiting a place where nobody knows you. I am quickly discovering that moving is NOT traveling. Traveling is temporary; moving is permanence. Traveling is new and exciting; moving is fearful and exhausting. Traveling is full of "mountain top experiences;" moving is full of valleys and growth.

One of those valley moments was happening at the DMV. When Jason told me I would have to take the driving test to get my Minnesota license, I thought he was teasing me. I have been driving in Oregon for thirteen years and have a clean record. Why in the world would I have to go through the misery of taking a test?! Jason was right, and not only did I have to take the driving test, I had to do it within 60 days of moving to Minnesota or risk a $250 fine.

I stood in line focusing on taking deep breaths and remembering that my identity was not in my ability to pass a driving test. In my hand, I held my Oregon driver's license, birth certificate and marriage license. My goal was not only to get my new driver's license but to also get my name changed to my married name. All the sudden it hit me, this was it. This was my last chance to save my "Elizabeth Knopp from Portland, OR" identity. The thought of being "Elizabeth Poarch from Minnesota" didn't seem nearly as cool or hipster.  Besides, it didn't seem right for me to get my Minnesota license having never lived through a Minnesota winter. Despite my hesitations the line kept moving forward.

So many unloving signs at the DMV

I sat down in cubicle #20 and put on the gigantic pair of 80's head phones, trying not to think about how many heads had perviously worn them. A massive button was on the screen that said, "PUSH TO BEGIN." The only thing I could think was, "Stop yelling at me!" I took a big breath and pushed it. A female, monotone, computerized voice began to speak, "Welcome to the Minnesota written driver's test..." Why in the world was she speaking so slow?! This was going to take forever. She continued, "To begin, we will start with a practice question..." Continuing at an extremely slow, basically archaic, pace, she went on to explain how the buttons on the screen worked and how to move from question to question. To my relief the female voice went on to say, "Your first question will be a practice question and will not count towards your score." This was good news! An easy question that could help me relax, become familiar with the system, and then dive into the actual test. The screen lit up with another screaming button: "PUSH HERE TO START PRACTICE QUESTION." With a new wave a confidence, I pushed the button. 

The monotone computer voice began to read the question, "Which is the capitol of Minnesota? Minneapolis, Duluth, Saint Cloud or Saint Paul?" I starred at the screen and wanted to DIE. I had absolutely no idea what the capitol of Minnesota was! Panic began to wash over me and I felt my soul cry out, "WHY??? Why did this have to be the practice question? I've only been here six weeks! I have no idea! I'm so STUPID! How could I not know the capitol of my new home?..."

My number one struggle with getting married and moving has been identity. In the last few years my relationship with Christ has been really good. I have felt anchored in my Saviors love and trusted Him wholly with my life and desires. With the joys and struggles of becoming one with my husband, moving away from my physical and spiritual family, and leaving my music community, I have felt lost and confused. Daily I do battle to calm my emotions and restore my soul, because this I know to be true: God does not change. No matter my surroundings, marital status, family or community, my Lord and King has not changed. This is what I am learning right now. My relationship with God is not determined by my feelings of happiness or belonging. My relationship is built on my perseverance to seek Him, love Him and follow Him no matter how dry and tired I feel. 

With my "new" Minnesota paper license. Real license will be arriving in the mail! 

I failed the practice question at the DMV. The capitol of Minnesota is Saint Paul. (File that away in case you need it someday!) I did pass my driving test and Jason took me out to lunch to celebrate! One emotional battle won, a million more to go. 

Psalms 27:4 "One thing have I asked of the LORD, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to inquire in his temple."